Nearly sixteen days have passed since my last drink, and today was the first time I felt a real urge to drink again. It wasn’t just a craving for a glass of wine or a beer—it was something bigger and scarier than that.
A few months ago, when binge drinking was more of a regular occurrence for me, I’d often designate certain days as “drinking” days. These days usually coincided with times when my wife was out, and we had a sitter at home. This allowed me to delay my inevitable commute home by a couple of hours and, in that time, catch a good buzz.
What’s worse is that, at my lowest point, I would seek out drugs, specifically cocaine, on nights like this.
Fast forward to today (I’ll certainly delve into my past and how I got to where I am now in later posts): I’m sober and extremely busy with work. So busy that I had to leave my wife and kids behind at the beach house, where they’re winding down the final couple of weeks of summer break, while I head back home to commute to and from New York for at least the next week.
With my family down the shore and me coming back to an empty house for the next few nights, it shouldn’t have surprised me when I got that familiar feeling in my gut—the urge to go and get a drink. But it did.
It startled me because I envisioned getting two martinis. I could taste the first few sips, and then, with that thought, came a vision of scoring cocaine.
In the past, nights like this were fairly common, and now the mere thought of it really scares me. I absolutely know that if I gave in to this thought, it would be devastating.
If my wife found out I did blow, it would be over. But she’s not ready to admit that I can’t drink anymore.
I think today’s fleeting thoughts are proof of the power that drinking still holds over my mind. Could I drink in the company of my wife and some of our close friends without consequence? Perhaps. But history has shown me, far too many times, that even with my “safe” friends around, things can still get out of hand.
More importantly—there will be other opportunities for me to drink in settings where I’m not around my wife and our safe friends, like today. And in those moments, there’s so much to lose.
Had I not restrained myself from giving in to today’s urges, I’m certain I would have drunk too much and made potentially life-altering decisions.
When I ask myself if I can drink again, I should look at this post and thank myself for being strong enough not to give in.
Have any of you had these urges? Stay safe out there.
Cheers,
Paul
Leave a Reply